Let's talk about sex

I feel like my lack of a sex drive is ruining a lot of my relationships, or my chances at them.

There is only one person I enjoy having sex with, and I think that it's more of a spiritual thing, and because he enjoys it so very much and it makes me happy to make him happy. I don't care if I get off. I do enjoy playing with sensation and skin and impact play, but if we bonded equally well through a different ritual, I would not mind. I get to "play" sexual in that relationship - tap into a fantasy where I am actually a highly sexual person, and because there is power and ritual behind that, I can get into it.

I do enjoy touch and cuddling and intimacy. My idea of a really good time is a nice massage. But there's something about sex that shines a spotlight on all of the things I don't like about human nature. I feel like I am turned sideways to the universe at that moment.

So sexuality in the majority of my relationships has always been about weighing several concerns. a) Not forcing myself to do things I don't want to do. b) keeping the other person happy. c) Having the cuddling and touching I enjoy without it being sexual.

I am in a new relationship, and this is all becoming really apparent. He's highly sexual. I'm not. I want to fall asleep and cuddle, and he wants sex. I give him enough to keep him from feeling unwanted, but i feel like i'm putting my desire to not do things i don't want to do ahead of his happiness - and it's starting to manifest in hurt comments from him.

I find him attractive and he smells right. I enjoy kissing and cuddling and even doing impact play. I generally feel no desire to go beyond that. That's probably not going to work long term, and that's disappointing to me.

Even more disappointing is the fact that I have someone that I essentially share my life with who goes off and gets sex elsewhere, and now i'm freaking out because this person spends days at a time away from me. I've lost intimacy and friendship because i can't provide the one big thing that people seem to really lose their heads over. I wish I could just enjoy it, or find a solution that worked.

Of course, it does occur to me that maybe i don't really love anyone but the one person i click with, and that's where i'm stuck. maybe it's not about sex. but i don't know? i've never felt comfortable with sex - i've always had a weird reaction to it. it doesn't seem to be a need for me in the way that it is for others.