Anxiety, moving machines and freaking out

I had a meltdown today.

I hear a lot of people use that word pretty often in Aspergian communities, and I'm always hesitant to go there. I tend to shut down a bit, or get snappy or overwhelmed, but it takes a special brew of circumstances to go beyond that.

My parents have been here all week, and that's been a good thing. We've actually only had mediocre logistical stress, and we've been having fun. But the constant stimulation, the constant need to be conversationally on, the constant new situations and trying to direct via convoluted GPS instructions - My stores of calm have been getting slowly depleted, beyond the level where normal things could pick that level back up.

Tonight, after another long day, I had to jump my partner's car. After dark, and in the rain, and not really knowing what I was doing. Then I had to navigate myself onto the highway and to a place I had never been before, using my GPS in a car where I've never used it before, and without an exact address. In the dark and rain.

Jumping the car was stressful, moreso because I had to quickly pull the cables off in the correct order and hop in my car and get out of the way so that my partner could take off right away. (The battery was a side problem - the original is that the filter got clogged and the car was sluggish and stalling out in park.) I got my car out of the way and began to fiddle with the GPS, trying to figure out where to plug it in. I got that done and got on the road, and had to pull over again to turn on the voice option, which had been shut off.

The paving job downtown isn't the greatest, so I had a hard time knowing which lane i was in. That was stressful. So was having to cut over two lanes because the GPS lied to me. and then, once i got on the highway, i had a hard time seeing and was surrounded by trucks, and i just wanted the whole situation to disappear, and i was rapidly melting into flight, but i couldn't, because i had to safely navigate my vehicle in treacherous conditions.

i started crying and wheezing. i didn't want to put myself in even more danger, but here i was having a full panic attack and i was hurtling down a rainy highway, with no place to pull off. We were on large overpass ramps with no shoulder.

i just started screaming - a gutteral rage sound from deep within my psyche. I kept that up as I lined myself up with a large truck in front of me and told myself that i had to do only one thing - stay lined up with that truck. Then I would know that i was in a true lane. Somehow, that continued bellow pulled up the last bit of strength from the core of me, and extended it throughout my body, giving me the wherewithall to stop crying and slow my breath and truly focus on the road.

As soon as I reached my destination, it flowed out. It was gone. My partner drove home and I mostly tilted back in the seat with my eyes closed, trying to pretend that the world didn't exist.