I am very stuck on moments that cannot happen again.
By this, I mean that I get upset when something was supposed to happen and it didn't, and because of the nature of the thing, there is no chance to experience it the same way again.
I'll take the current example. We had said months ago that we wanted to have a movie marathon of a series that our friends had never seen before. I was really excited about sharing this experience with them. I had seen the movies already, but since i had introduced them to the books and urged them to read them, i was really excited about all of us seeing the movies together and getting to see their initial reactions.
They went ahead and watched the first two on their own. I was disappointed, but urged them to watch the rest with us.
Now they want to watch them all alone first, and say, "we'll all watch them together soon!"
a) I don't believe it. Not that their intentions aren't sincere, but it just won't happen. Without the motivation of seeing the movies, the time will not be made. I can almost bet everything on this.
b) That feels stale. They will already know the movies; the experience won't be the same.
Irrational spinning off brain is so upset that I don't even want to hear them talk about the movies; they ruined a moment for me and now it's too late. I will never have that moment with them ever, ever again. Watching the movies with them later on will only remind me of this and it makes me not want to do it.
Rationally, I don't know if I should be feeling upset. And I would get *something* out of watching them with them again.
Argh. I don't know if I'm fucked up about this or not.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
More thoughts on stimming
So much of the debate about stimming comes from external sources and has a lot to do with external concerns - "will my kid be rejected if he stims in public?" or "she's not being productive!" ASD advocates will reply back that stimming is calming, feels good, and is a part of essential behavior for most on the ASD spectrum.
This post isn't talking about that. I'm here to discuss my personal thoughts and pros and cons about *my* stimming.
It's kind of like a self-filing system. Input comes in. Unless that input is either - a) remarkably simple or b) more complicated, but in the right setting with few distractions - it gets bounced off my deeper thought processes OR I run it through one my decoding mechanisms.
There's the shallow, more socially accepted method of simply stepping back for a moment and removing the distractions. I'll often talk aloud (very softly) as my brain converts the data it has received into a visual. Then I can understand it well enough to begin work on it, or think of a first response.
Deeper understanding of more complex issues (particularly emotional responses) usually requires a different level of processing - stimming. I hide away, and think as I pace or flap/twist/rub my hands. I'm realizing now that it's hard to actually pick out what I do physically as I stim (unless I am jarred out of it by something) because I am completely unaware of myself physically as I do this. My mind becomes completely absorbed in whatever problem I'm working out.
Stimming has its serious drawbacks and limitations. First of all, it's hard to react in real time, and that's a skill I slowly need to acquire. Second, it requires private space. But most importantly, it has the side effect of spiraling emotional problems into something that I feel profoundly and often physically. When this happens, there's often a feedback loop that gets fostered, because I interact with the world more "autistically" when I feel physically drained. Hearing becomes more sensitive, auditory communication becomes harder to internalize, and I feel even more sensitive than I am.
My body also tends to become tighter when I stim, even if I don't feel it in the moment. My muscles twitch and seize up. As a result, I'm rather inflexible, and feel like I have more chronic pain than I should at my age. Doing yoga has been combatting this lately. The effects are almost immediate and amazing.
I cannot picture living without stimmming. It's an essential part to feeling connected into myself and the broader world in turn. I'm just trying to find strategies to cope with the aftereffects in a more healthy manner.
This post isn't talking about that. I'm here to discuss my personal thoughts and pros and cons about *my* stimming.
It's kind of like a self-filing system. Input comes in. Unless that input is either - a) remarkably simple or b) more complicated, but in the right setting with few distractions - it gets bounced off my deeper thought processes OR I run it through one my decoding mechanisms.
There's the shallow, more socially accepted method of simply stepping back for a moment and removing the distractions. I'll often talk aloud (very softly) as my brain converts the data it has received into a visual. Then I can understand it well enough to begin work on it, or think of a first response.
Deeper understanding of more complex issues (particularly emotional responses) usually requires a different level of processing - stimming. I hide away, and think as I pace or flap/twist/rub my hands. I'm realizing now that it's hard to actually pick out what I do physically as I stim (unless I am jarred out of it by something) because I am completely unaware of myself physically as I do this. My mind becomes completely absorbed in whatever problem I'm working out.
Stimming has its serious drawbacks and limitations. First of all, it's hard to react in real time, and that's a skill I slowly need to acquire. Second, it requires private space. But most importantly, it has the side effect of spiraling emotional problems into something that I feel profoundly and often physically. When this happens, there's often a feedback loop that gets fostered, because I interact with the world more "autistically" when I feel physically drained. Hearing becomes more sensitive, auditory communication becomes harder to internalize, and I feel even more sensitive than I am.
My body also tends to become tighter when I stim, even if I don't feel it in the moment. My muscles twitch and seize up. As a result, I'm rather inflexible, and feel like I have more chronic pain than I should at my age. Doing yoga has been combatting this lately. The effects are almost immediate and amazing.
I cannot picture living without stimmming. It's an essential part to feeling connected into myself and the broader world in turn. I'm just trying to find strategies to cope with the aftereffects in a more healthy manner.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Thoughts from a calmer place
In the grand checklist of my current state of affairs, I've managed to cross off a few rows this year.
I got myself into one steady, reliable, low-customer contact job in an environment that is both beautiful and orderly. It pays well enough to sustain me without other work, and I don't mind going there at all. Part of my job is unpacking and putting away dutifully wrapped objects in little rows. One of the customer service reps unpacked one box the other day, and said, "this is tedious! How do you do this all day?" I just smiled and said, "there's a certain zen about it." Not only the rows and the routines, but watching big piles become small ones like a checklist. My stock room will be pristine.
I have a plan for debt management - I'm going to erase it and start anew. The economy is in a holding pattern right now, so I plan to hunker down and stay where I am and not rely upon my credit to get me anything, and wait for it to slowly fix itself. Perhaps I'll have some money to spend by the time anybody wants to lend me anything!
I have not moved anywhere on the topic of love, but I can understand it all more without feeling so emotionally intertwined. I have met the person I would marry, but he is already committed. We are poly, so there is a small part of him I can have. For years, this seemed like a cosmic rebuke - an injustice so deep that I couldn't fathom a benevolent force in the universe that would allow this situation to happen. But of course, the world is filled with far more violent injustices than this, and is also filled with dedicated, patient people imbued with a similar romantic sensitivity who have won love at the end of the day.
I cannot provide for him, and while that does not indicate that he is weak or needs providing for, the fact is that I cannot give him the life he needs right now. He is with someone loving and whom he loves deeply, who also has the ability and dedication to provide him with a setup that allows him to make the most of his talents. I cannot give him this, so all the better that he is not with me, resentful or yearning or wasting his time away on sustenance.
So, onward, with an open mind and heart.
I got myself into one steady, reliable, low-customer contact job in an environment that is both beautiful and orderly. It pays well enough to sustain me without other work, and I don't mind going there at all. Part of my job is unpacking and putting away dutifully wrapped objects in little rows. One of the customer service reps unpacked one box the other day, and said, "this is tedious! How do you do this all day?" I just smiled and said, "there's a certain zen about it." Not only the rows and the routines, but watching big piles become small ones like a checklist. My stock room will be pristine.
I have a plan for debt management - I'm going to erase it and start anew. The economy is in a holding pattern right now, so I plan to hunker down and stay where I am and not rely upon my credit to get me anything, and wait for it to slowly fix itself. Perhaps I'll have some money to spend by the time anybody wants to lend me anything!
I have not moved anywhere on the topic of love, but I can understand it all more without feeling so emotionally intertwined. I have met the person I would marry, but he is already committed. We are poly, so there is a small part of him I can have. For years, this seemed like a cosmic rebuke - an injustice so deep that I couldn't fathom a benevolent force in the universe that would allow this situation to happen. But of course, the world is filled with far more violent injustices than this, and is also filled with dedicated, patient people imbued with a similar romantic sensitivity who have won love at the end of the day.
I cannot provide for him, and while that does not indicate that he is weak or needs providing for, the fact is that I cannot give him the life he needs right now. He is with someone loving and whom he loves deeply, who also has the ability and dedication to provide him with a setup that allows him to make the most of his talents. I cannot give him this, so all the better that he is not with me, resentful or yearning or wasting his time away on sustenance.
So, onward, with an open mind and heart.
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