More thoughts on stimming

So much of the debate about stimming comes from external sources and has a lot to do with external concerns - "will my kid be rejected if he stims in public?" or "she's not being productive!" ASD advocates will reply back that stimming is calming, feels good, and is a part of essential behavior for most on the ASD spectrum.

This post isn't talking about that. I'm here to discuss my personal thoughts and pros and cons about *my* stimming.

It's kind of like a self-filing system. Input comes in. Unless that input is either - a) remarkably simple or b) more complicated, but in the right setting with few distractions - it gets bounced off my deeper thought processes OR I run it through one my decoding mechanisms.

There's the shallow, more socially accepted method of simply stepping back for a moment and removing the distractions. I'll often talk aloud (very softly) as my brain converts the data it has received into a visual. Then I can understand it well enough to begin work on it, or think of a first response.

Deeper understanding of more complex issues (particularly emotional responses) usually requires a different level of processing - stimming. I hide away, and think as I pace or flap/twist/rub my hands. I'm realizing now that it's hard to actually pick out what I do physically as I stim (unless I am jarred out of it by something) because I am completely unaware of myself physically as I do this. My mind becomes completely absorbed in whatever problem I'm working out.

Stimming has its serious drawbacks and limitations. First of all, it's hard to react in real time, and that's a skill I slowly need to acquire. Second, it requires private space. But most importantly, it has the side effect of spiraling emotional problems into something that I feel profoundly and often physically. When this happens, there's often a feedback loop that gets fostered, because I interact with the world more "autistically" when I feel physically drained. Hearing becomes more sensitive, auditory communication becomes harder to internalize, and I feel even more sensitive than I am.

My body also tends to become tighter when I stim, even if I don't feel it in the moment. My muscles twitch and seize up. As a result, I'm rather inflexible, and feel like I have more chronic pain than I should at my age. Doing yoga has been combatting this lately. The effects are almost immediate and amazing.

I cannot picture living without stimmming. It's an essential part to feeling connected into myself and the broader world in turn. I'm just trying to find strategies to cope with the aftereffects in a more healthy manner.