Thoughts from a calmer place

In the grand checklist of my current state of affairs, I've managed to cross off a few rows this year.
I got myself into one steady, reliable, low-customer contact job in an environment that is both beautiful and orderly. It pays well enough to sustain me without other work, and I don't mind going there at all. Part of my job is unpacking and putting away dutifully wrapped objects in little rows. One of the customer service reps unpacked one box the other day, and said, "this is tedious! How do you do this all day?" I just smiled and said, "there's a certain zen about it." Not only the rows and the routines, but watching big piles become small ones like a checklist. My stock room will be pristine.

I have a plan for debt management - I'm going to erase it and start anew. The economy is in a holding pattern right now, so I plan to hunker down and stay where I am and not rely upon my credit to get me anything, and wait for it to slowly fix itself. Perhaps I'll have some money to spend by the time anybody wants to lend me anything!

I have not moved anywhere on the topic of love, but I can understand it all more without feeling so emotionally intertwined. I have met the person I would marry, but he is already committed. We are poly, so there is a small part of him I can have. For years, this seemed like a cosmic rebuke - an injustice so deep that I couldn't fathom a benevolent force in the universe that would allow this situation to happen. But of course, the world is filled with far more violent injustices than this, and is also filled with dedicated, patient people imbued with a similar romantic sensitivity who have won love at the end of the day.
I cannot provide for him, and while that does not indicate that he is weak or needs providing for, the fact is that I cannot give him the life he needs right now. He is with someone loving and whom he loves deeply, who also has the ability and dedication to provide him with a setup that allows him to make the most of his talents. I cannot give him this, so all the better that he is not with me, resentful or yearning or wasting his time away on sustenance.

So, onward, with an open mind and heart.