Monday, September 7, 2009

Let's talk about sex

I feel like my lack of a sex drive is ruining a lot of my relationships, or my chances at them.

There is only one person I enjoy having sex with, and I think that it's more of a spiritual thing, and because he enjoys it so very much and it makes me happy to make him happy. I don't care if I get off. I do enjoy playing with sensation and skin and impact play, but if we bonded equally well through a different ritual, I would not mind. I get to "play" sexual in that relationship - tap into a fantasy where I am actually a highly sexual person, and because there is power and ritual behind that, I can get into it.

I do enjoy touch and cuddling and intimacy. My idea of a really good time is a nice massage. But there's something about sex that shines a spotlight on all of the things I don't like about human nature. I feel like I am turned sideways to the universe at that moment.

So sexuality in the majority of my relationships has always been about weighing several concerns. a) Not forcing myself to do things I don't want to do. b) keeping the other person happy. c) Having the cuddling and touching I enjoy without it being sexual.

I am in a new relationship, and this is all becoming really apparent. He's highly sexual. I'm not. I want to fall asleep and cuddle, and he wants sex. I give him enough to keep him from feeling unwanted, but i feel like i'm putting my desire to not do things i don't want to do ahead of his happiness - and it's starting to manifest in hurt comments from him.

I find him attractive and he smells right. I enjoy kissing and cuddling and even doing impact play. I generally feel no desire to go beyond that. That's probably not going to work long term, and that's disappointing to me.

Even more disappointing is the fact that I have someone that I essentially share my life with who goes off and gets sex elsewhere, and now i'm freaking out because this person spends days at a time away from me. I've lost intimacy and friendship because i can't provide the one big thing that people seem to really lose their heads over. I wish I could just enjoy it, or find a solution that worked.

Of course, it does occur to me that maybe i don't really love anyone but the one person i click with, and that's where i'm stuck. maybe it's not about sex. but i don't know? i've never felt comfortable with sex - i've always had a weird reaction to it. it doesn't seem to be a need for me in the way that it is for others.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

I feel the world with such shattering intensity that sometimes it's hard to believe that I can get up in the morning and go about my day without getting pulled into some emotional and sensory storm and getting lost on the wind.

My daily battle is to use this energy to further my own life goals instead of hindering them. I am only moderately successful. But I strive. It will be worth it to be successful, so that I can spend more time feeling, experiencing and doing, and not be trapped in a place of survival and panic.

I am feeling pretty good about where I'm at right now - just have to clean up the lingering financial mess and move on.

Of course, listening to a powerful song that hits on many of my emo triggers is not helping me get off on a good start to my day. Or maybe it is, in sending me off awake.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Music

I like music that has unexpected key changes, intense base lines... music that soars and resonates. I'm a sucker for metal band power ballads, for instance. I was raised early on to appreciate many different genres, and got a lot of classical and classic rock under my belt, in particular.
The music that stays in heavy rotation tends to really emotionally resonate. If I'm listening to music for background, it needs to be light and frippery and low in volume. If you take one of these frippery songs and blast it, I go into shutdown mode. If you take one of my heavy emotional songs and blast it, particularly if I'm not expecting it (like "Uninvited" the other day at work), I had to find a solitary place for a moment to experience the song, and hoped that I wouldn't get pried away by interaction or a task. Now I've been listening to it a lot throughout the day.

Whoops, tense issues there. Can't be bothered to go back and parse that out, because this blog is mostly about writing the stream of thoughts in my head and not obsessively editing for grammar. I still had to make that disclaimer, though. :)

Ah yes, music. I can enjoy happy stuff, but it still tends to have the unexpected key changes and nice beats. 70s era disco diva songs are surprisingly fertile (and gay) grounds. Donna Summer's cover of MacArthur Park is a good example there, as is Dancing Queen by Abba. I can get away with liking stuff like this in public because i'm a big queer-bo and so are most of my friends and many of my co-workers.

(I just got completely distracted by a 2006 performance of MacArthur Park by Donna Summer on youtube. Really, gonna finish this entry some time tonight.)

Or maybe not. Another day.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Aspie experiences

I was down in the basement doing laundry, folding clothing alone in a dimly florescent lit room, when I wondered what it would be like if I wrote a book on my aspie experiences.

Would it be a smooth narrative, or broken into sections of stories around particular topics? "Driving" could be quite a large section.

So could "finances" and "using the telephone."

Of course, I'd want to talk about the good stuff, too, although that seems like the stuff that's actually harder to put into words. It would be worth the effort, though, because so much is focused on the disability and not so much on the amazing perception powers one has.

I might use this blog to test some of that writing out, so if anyone out there is actually reading this, you have something to look forward to other than whining. Oh, and please don't steal my material.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Moments passing by

I am very stuck on moments that cannot happen again.

By this, I mean that I get upset when something was supposed to happen and it didn't, and because of the nature of the thing, there is no chance to experience it the same way again.

I'll take the current example. We had said months ago that we wanted to have a movie marathon of a series that our friends had never seen before. I was really excited about sharing this experience with them. I had seen the movies already, but since i had introduced them to the books and urged them to read them, i was really excited about all of us seeing the movies together and getting to see their initial reactions.

They went ahead and watched the first two on their own. I was disappointed, but urged them to watch the rest with us.

Now they want to watch them all alone first, and say, "we'll all watch them together soon!"
a) I don't believe it. Not that their intentions aren't sincere, but it just won't happen. Without the motivation of seeing the movies, the time will not be made. I can almost bet everything on this.
b) That feels stale. They will already know the movies; the experience won't be the same.

Irrational spinning off brain is so upset that I don't even want to hear them talk about the movies; they ruined a moment for me and now it's too late. I will never have that moment with them ever, ever again. Watching the movies with them later on will only remind me of this and it makes me not want to do it.

Rationally, I don't know if I should be feeling upset. And I would get *something* out of watching them with them again.

Argh. I don't know if I'm fucked up about this or not.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

More thoughts on stimming

So much of the debate about stimming comes from external sources and has a lot to do with external concerns - "will my kid be rejected if he stims in public?" or "she's not being productive!" ASD advocates will reply back that stimming is calming, feels good, and is a part of essential behavior for most on the ASD spectrum.

This post isn't talking about that. I'm here to discuss my personal thoughts and pros and cons about *my* stimming.

It's kind of like a self-filing system. Input comes in. Unless that input is either - a) remarkably simple or b) more complicated, but in the right setting with few distractions - it gets bounced off my deeper thought processes OR I run it through one my decoding mechanisms.

There's the shallow, more socially accepted method of simply stepping back for a moment and removing the distractions. I'll often talk aloud (very softly) as my brain converts the data it has received into a visual. Then I can understand it well enough to begin work on it, or think of a first response.

Deeper understanding of more complex issues (particularly emotional responses) usually requires a different level of processing - stimming. I hide away, and think as I pace or flap/twist/rub my hands. I'm realizing now that it's hard to actually pick out what I do physically as I stim (unless I am jarred out of it by something) because I am completely unaware of myself physically as I do this. My mind becomes completely absorbed in whatever problem I'm working out.

Stimming has its serious drawbacks and limitations. First of all, it's hard to react in real time, and that's a skill I slowly need to acquire. Second, it requires private space. But most importantly, it has the side effect of spiraling emotional problems into something that I feel profoundly and often physically. When this happens, there's often a feedback loop that gets fostered, because I interact with the world more "autistically" when I feel physically drained. Hearing becomes more sensitive, auditory communication becomes harder to internalize, and I feel even more sensitive than I am.

My body also tends to become tighter when I stim, even if I don't feel it in the moment. My muscles twitch and seize up. As a result, I'm rather inflexible, and feel like I have more chronic pain than I should at my age. Doing yoga has been combatting this lately. The effects are almost immediate and amazing.

I cannot picture living without stimmming. It's an essential part to feeling connected into myself and the broader world in turn. I'm just trying to find strategies to cope with the aftereffects in a more healthy manner.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Thoughts from a calmer place

In the grand checklist of my current state of affairs, I've managed to cross off a few rows this year.
I got myself into one steady, reliable, low-customer contact job in an environment that is both beautiful and orderly. It pays well enough to sustain me without other work, and I don't mind going there at all. Part of my job is unpacking and putting away dutifully wrapped objects in little rows. One of the customer service reps unpacked one box the other day, and said, "this is tedious! How do you do this all day?" I just smiled and said, "there's a certain zen about it." Not only the rows and the routines, but watching big piles become small ones like a checklist. My stock room will be pristine.

I have a plan for debt management - I'm going to erase it and start anew. The economy is in a holding pattern right now, so I plan to hunker down and stay where I am and not rely upon my credit to get me anything, and wait for it to slowly fix itself. Perhaps I'll have some money to spend by the time anybody wants to lend me anything!

I have not moved anywhere on the topic of love, but I can understand it all more without feeling so emotionally intertwined. I have met the person I would marry, but he is already committed. We are poly, so there is a small part of him I can have. For years, this seemed like a cosmic rebuke - an injustice so deep that I couldn't fathom a benevolent force in the universe that would allow this situation to happen. But of course, the world is filled with far more violent injustices than this, and is also filled with dedicated, patient people imbued with a similar romantic sensitivity who have won love at the end of the day.
I cannot provide for him, and while that does not indicate that he is weak or needs providing for, the fact is that I cannot give him the life he needs right now. He is with someone loving and whom he loves deeply, who also has the ability and dedication to provide him with a setup that allows him to make the most of his talents. I cannot give him this, so all the better that he is not with me, resentful or yearning or wasting his time away on sustenance.

So, onward, with an open mind and heart.